6 Months In: a new father embraces the terrifying miracle of love

Yes. Check mark. Scratch it off. Circle it in. Fold it over. Punch it through. Rip it off. Whatever the instructions say, count me in. Mark it down. Record it. Put it in the history books. I am in love.

6 months in and there is no slowing this train down. 17 lbs and 8 oz. 26.5 inches. Rolling around. Slurping mangoes. Sleeping on his face. Sucking on his wrist. No squash. No messy diapers. No getting his nose cleaned. And so it goes…

I never understood love like this. This love dumbfounds me. It often scares me. Some days it strikes like a full on panic attack. Lumpy throat. Tightening of chest. Contractions. Tears.

Other times I can only feel it creeping up from the inside. Like the sound of a distant enemy calling for retribution, these thoughts of terror sink in. What if this? What if that? What if… The questions smash through the surface of my confidence like iron rods shattering a plywood coffin.

Still, if I am honest, most of the time I feel ludicrously fortunate. Most of the time I feel as if I am the chosen protector of an incomparable jewel. Like a Buddha, I know that this living stone is more precious than a trillion rubies. If it came down to it, I would trade a trillion rubies for just one trillionth of a second with his smile. Time means nothing now without him. He is my companion. He is my mentor. He is my healer. He is my laughter. He is my logic. He is my faith. He is my moon. He is my son.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

 

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Mendon
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